Had my annual visit with my doctor this morning, and had a number of questions for him. I was surprised, but relieved by his frankness in answering them. . . .
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…. Don’t waste time on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart does not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap..
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What do cows eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of the fruity bit; gets even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have a body and you have fat, the ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO …. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, then explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND…..
Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION…..
Eat and drink what you like.. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
